so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
