Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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