i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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