There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
