Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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