Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
