I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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