Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
