I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Randomize
