alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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