I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
