How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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