soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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