And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
