I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
