Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
