I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i dont even know how to be here
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
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Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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