just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
