the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
