if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
