My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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