Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
