but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
