Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
