I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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