Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
