i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
