so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
