if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
high people should be assigned attendants
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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