where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
