Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
