We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
