This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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