pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
