and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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