my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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