The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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