threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
