Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He passed out mid-signature
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
