Kareoke will never be a sober sport
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
