I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
