please come you make the beer taste better
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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