Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
