yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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