Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Sober January is a disaster.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
