I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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