Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
