I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
