Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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