you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
