I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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