i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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